Around Christmas time I wrote down our fertility story for a friend. I think it's probably my most indepth writing of it and I think I want to write it here so I have it for my history.
Brandt and I were married quite young in 2001. Because we were young and I felt I needed to
conquer the world we didn’t immediately want kids. We worked and saved and played a little in
between and decided after a couple years we’d try for a baby. Month after month nothing happened. I went to our doctor and she said it’s normal
and shouldn’t worry until we’ve tried for pushing a year. We found one medical issue where I have an
enlarged pituitary gland and it caused me to release prolactin. That is what is released when you have a baby
to produce breast milk. So – my body
could have been thinking I was pregnant so I really couldn’t get pregnant. We found this out within the first year so we
got it regulated with medicine right away.
So when that year mark hit we went to a fertility doctor. We were both tested and tested and there was
no reason why we couldn’t get pregnant.
They called it “unknown infertility.”
Nice diagnosis. So our options
were to keep trying, IVF, or IUIs. I
just couldn’t stomach paying $10K or more for IVF with a “maybe we’ll get
pregnant” so we opted for $300 a pop IUIs (the turkey baster, if you’re not
familiar). I lost count of how many
times we had it done. I was also on
clomid occasionally. I would take HCG to
stimulate ovulation after checking by ultrasound that my egg(s) were ready. We had it down to a precise science. And still nothing.
Not all women understand how you feel when you go through
this. Wanting a baby – YOUR baby – so
dang bad and not being able to conceive.
I hated all moms. I couldn’t go
to baby showers. I couldn’t really be
happy for family and friends who were pregnant, giving birth, or were just
moms. And church…torture. We tried everything. I drank teas to stimulate fertility. I wore “fertility earrings” that had a stone
to increase fertility. I tried multiple
massage modalities (I graduated from massage school so I’m a believer in
alternative medicine, too). Brandt and I
would frequently have conversations about what we could be doing better. Were we being punished for not being good
enough to have a child? We prayed
together. Read scriptures together. Went to the temple together.
Finally after about 3 years trying I got pregnant. It was wonderful. Such a relief to know that I could actually
get pregnant. But then approximately 10
weeks in, I miscarried. We waited a
month and started up again. Maybe about
another 6 months went by and we got pregnant again. That one was even shorter lived. I miscarried about 6 weeks. I had a really rough time with that
miscarriage. Apparently unless you miscarry
3 times in a row it is not considered an issue but my doctor had me on high
risk anyway since we’d been trying so long.
So time kept going and nothing happened so we sort of gave up.
It’s funny how you sort of go through the same emotions
that happen with death. Denial, anger,
etc. I got to the point where I couldn’t
care anymore (or so I told myself). I
sort of figured if I wanted a baby I’d have to look to adoption. I’d investigated but wasn’t really sure if it
was for us or not, but it was in the back of my mind.
In the summer of 2007 Brandt got hired on with the post
office. At the post office you have a 90
day probation and if you as much look at your supervisor the wrong way they can
fire you. Also, you’re hired on as a
grunt and they can work you 64 hours/week and they did. There was no way he could have any work off
if he wanted it. If we were to do any
more IUI’s I would have to have my ovulation day fall on a Sunday so that
Brandt could get to Sandy to give a sample.
So we just said we’d take a break or just be done with that avenue. That December a bunch of things
happened. And to this day it is probably
my most treasured time in my life.
One day in church I was sitting in the back of Relief
Society and the lesson was on prayer. I
distinctly remember Amanda Chamberlain making a comment that when she is asking
for confirmation of something she sometimes will tell Heavenly Father her plan
and ask him to stop her if it is not the right direction for her to go. That struck a chord with me. I’d never thought of it that way. My parents also left to serve a mission the
first week of December and my mom had pulled me aside before she left and told
me she was worried about me and would be praying for me on her mission. I was having some treatment called Body Talk
which is a type of bodywork that I swear has something to it. It’s amazing.
And Brandt finally told me he was ok with adoption if I felt we should
do it. I filled out all the papers and
had said my prayer. I told Heavenly
Father I was going to turn in the papers next week and try to get a baby that
way. I was really nervous because you
had to turn in a non-refundable $1000 with the application.
That coming Sunday I had gotten a new calling at church and
I was to be set apart. I went in to have
my blessing and Brandt was there as well as the Relief Society presidency (as
it was a calling under them). Every time
during the last 5 years I always carefully listened to any blessing I was given
hoping to hear a “One day you’ll be a good mom,” “One day your children…”
anything hinting to the fact that I would be blessed to be a mom. This blessing was no different. One of the bishopric counselors gave the
blessing and it was nice and all but no lightening strikes as I had hoped! I shook everyone’s hand and then the Bishop
asked Brandt and I to stick around.
He shut the door and as he sat down he said he felt
something during that blessing.
Something about children. I lost
it. My Heavenly Father knew me. He heard me pleading during that
blessing. Pleading for some
reassurance. Just a small mention about
my babies that were waiting to come to me.
I needed something so badly and he heard. Even now remembering that time I am brought
to tears. I have never, ever felt the love
of my Heavenly Father so strongly. So
Brandt proceeded to tell our story and our issues we’d been having since I was
unable to speak through my sobs. The
bishop then told us about one of his counselors he had when he was the bishop
of a single adult ward. This man had the
same issue as us and so matter-of-factly stated to us that he thought this all
could be fixed by some serious fasting and prayer. He offered to have the bishopric do a special
fast for us. We agreed and rather than
do a random day we just planned to just do it the first week of January. He told me that to close the fast he’d like
to give both Brandt and I special blessings that day as well. With my parents in Nauvoo, we called them and
let them know of the fast and told Brandt’s parents, too. We figured we could use as much support for
this as we could drum up. Because of
this, I took it as an answer to my prayers to not turn in the adoption papers
quite yet.
The next Sunday was December 23rd. As it so happened that weekend it all lined
up and I happened to be ovulating and we were able to go in and try another IUI
that Sunday morning before church. Fast
Sunday was January 6th and we had our special fast. After sacrament meeting we met with the
Bishop and he had told us that after we left that first Sunday we had met with
him he had asked both his counselors if they felt anything during my blessing
and they both said, “yes, something about kids.” That prompting was so powerful that all 3 of
those men heard my plea. So the Bishop
gave us both a blessing. I don’t
remember Brandt’s specifically and to be honest I don’t remember too much of
mine, either (guess I should have written more down) but one word was repeated
over and over. Faith. After we left and Brandt and I talked about
it we said, “Well, I guess we need to have faith.” It was our little thing that when we’d talk
or randomly we’d always ask each other “Do you have faith?” so that we’d remind
ourselves that we needed that faith.
Two weeks after an IUI you can take a pregnancy test. I think I waited a few extra days to be
sure. I did the test and it was
positive. Because of my past 2
miscarriages my doctor told me that we could do some early testing to check
numbers to make sure everything was looking right. I did the tests and the numbers were
accelerating so quickly that it was an indication we had more than one baby so we
scheduled an ultrasound. When that was
done it was confirmed that we had twins coming.
Oddly enough it was no surprise to us.
Brandt and I have said since day one that we both separately felt we
would have twins so when that was confirmed we were just grateful.
I know it was no accident. We had done EVERYTHING we could think of to have our children. It was faith. It was obedience. It was fasting, prayer, and a little missionary service mixed in. I have never had a more profound experience and I don't know that I ever will have another one quite like this. But I really don't need another one because I know my Heavenly Father knows me individually. There is no way I could deny it. He knows my heart. I have heard that in lessons all my life and until that moment when he heard me through that blessing I don't know that I really understood. I am grateful that I do know that for myself.
