Tuesday, September 15, 2015

A storm's a-brewin....

I am a big ol' mix of emotions this morning.  The last few days I feel a little like "nesting."  You see, I have applied for a job that I'm fairly confident that I can obtain.  I haven't, however, been offered the job yet, but I can see it on the horizon.  For many years we've talked about me going back to work.  I did plan on waiting until all my littles were in 1st grade, or even just kindergarten for that matter.  We've jumped the gun slightly.  My hope was to get a job I could do from home.  I may have potential for that to occur, but don't think it will be that way in the beginning.  So I've been fighting the internal battle that is going on with giving my baby to be cared for by someone other than myself.  And it is killing me.  I know it is right and it is what needs to be done and honestly, I've wanted this, but man oh man....tough.  This morning I got the 3 older boys off to school and came back and let Porter devour a donut.  I went out and vacuumed my car while he ate and when I came back in I took him straight to the bath.  After I lotioned him up so he smelled all yummy, we were on the couch looking out front.  I had my head resting on the back of the couch and Porter came over and put his arm around me and rested his cheek against mine while he watched the world outside our window.  I lost it.  My sweet, sweet baby.  Is this what I'm going to be missing?  These quiet moments of just him and me?  We left the boys with Granna this weekend and Brandt and I went camping.  Porter was PISSED at me for leaving him.  So much so that when we came back he went first to Brandt and he's is a momma's boy.  I cannot even seem to grasp how hard this is going to be to drop him off.  I've heard many mom's talk about how they have just bawled after leaving their baby and I have been soooooo incredibly blessed that I have never had to do that.  A miracle really.  I just have those doubts that I am short-changing him or something that I didn't have to do that with his brothers.  I don't know.  A momma's insecurity maybe?  Regardless, I feel the waves crashing in and it is scary and exciting all in the same emotion.  I can do this.  I can do hard things.

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