FIRESTATION

This last Wednesday was fieldtrip day at preschool.  I took the twins as well as Oliver and we visited the Bountiful Firestation.  We got to watch a little video, learn about what to do in case of a fire (and got tips of things I guess my kids are old enough I need to start teaching and talking about, opps), checked out the fire trucks, saw the fire pole and their uniforms, and played at the park for a bit.  The boys came away with their own badge and fire hat.  I call that a success!

Spring has finally sprung!

My windows are open, my kids are constantly outside, the bees are buzzing...it must finally be SPRING!!!

I made lunch for the kiddos and let them eat out in the shade

and glanced up to admire this:

It means two things.

1) soon I will have a tree full of beautiful blossoms and

2) there will be apples this year!!!

I feel like I was gipped last year since it was a non-producing year.  We will again have applesauce, apple crisp, apples to eat, and apples to pick up off the ground.  Yea!

Supermom

Some days I think I have this mom thing down.  Saturday started off as one of those days.  The twins had their first soccer game and they were stoked.  We woke up.  Did our thing.  Had lunch and off we went.  They played great.  Dylan made 3 out of the 4 goals his team scored.  And Charlie actually played!  He didn't do everything in his power to avoid being by the ball.  I was so proud. 

I told them if they were good I'd do a surprise after.  The Utes had the Red/White game and I wanted to take them.  I wanted to take them with someone else so I wouldn't be on my own but everyone was busy.  So I thought, "I can do this."  So we went.  We got there at the end of the half so they got to see a little football and then as soon as it ended the rains came down!  By the time we got to the car we were drenched.  But the boys loved it and I was glad that they were able to be in the stadium and see it.  They know that mommy & daddy go there to watch the Utes and now they get it a little more.  It'll be a few more years before we take them to the games so it was nice they were able to get a taste of it.  They hiked up the bleachers to row 46, seats 9 & 10, our beloved seats.

Then we got home and it all fell apart and my supermom moment was gone.  No naps, playing hard...can only have the good last so long.  We were bound to have a few melt-downs.  And we did.

the ACHILLES

On February 21st there was a men's church ball game.  Brandt loves to play basketball.  Church ball, no so much.  Every year he tries to make it to one game just to remind himself he doesn't like to play.  He had gone that one time and then the 21st arrived.  We didn't have anything going on and Brandt asked me if he should go.  He said he didn't really want to.  I, on the other hand, said, "Sure!  Go.  Run around for awhile.  Have fun."  And off he went.  Bout 30 minutes later he returned, hobbling into the kitchen.  I said, "You better be joking," since he has done that in the past.  He has horrible ankles and rolls them all the time.  He told me he wasn't and that it is worse.  The kids were in bed so I called Debbie the Magnificent across the street and between her and Keith they sat in our house so that Brandt and I could run to the Instacare before they closed. 

So we were seen and they took an x-ray and told us that it looks to be ruptured, but that we'll have to get into an orthopaedic on Friday to determine treatment.  They put him in an ortho-glass splint, gave us a prescription, and sent us on our way.  The next morning I called to see where we could get in.  The only place was in Sandy at Alta View Hospital.  We took our kids down to my mom & dad's and went over there.  When we arrived the girl asked us if our insurance was accepted there.  I had assumed the lady that set us up would have our info so I didn't even think to look myself.  Found out we weren't covered.  So, the lady who helped us that morning and set up the appointment actually worked in that office so she came out and profusely apologized.  They were missing a part of our info and that was the difference between being covered and not.  So she helped us call every single orthopaedic surgeon from Sandy to Ogden.  NO one could see us.  I finally got the University of Utah to squeeze us in on Monday afternoon.  They were already over-booked by 20 patients that day.  So we had to wait all weekend to even know what our prognosis was going to be.

Monday we had our appointment and the doctor didn't even need to take an x-ray and knew he needed surgery.  It was crazy when he had Brandt lay on his stomach and bend his knees.  Just looking at the feet you could see how one foot was held up and the other one just flopped.  Nothing attaching it to hold the foot slightly up.  He also squeezed the calf muscles and the one foot would jiggle up and down.  On the injured foot, nothing. 


2/26/13

The doctor scheduled us for surgery on Thursday.

Thursday came and we went to the office and Brandt got put under. 


2/28/13

The surgery went well.  The doctor said it was a typical rupture and it was all put back together.  They put him in a cast similar to what he had before, just a little more full coverage.  They also gave him a nerve-blocker so that he wouldn't feel his lower leg for 2 days.  He had a bag around his neck that held a little baby bottle type thing.  Within the bottle was a balloon that held the medicine.  Coming from that was a catheter that went down to the back of his knee that was inserted into his leg there.  After the 2 days were up I had to undo the bandage behind the knee and pull out the catheter and throw it away.  It was in there like 10 inches.  Pretty gross just pulling it out.  Brandt said that undoing the bandages there was probably the most pain.  It was taped up like crazy and it was all over his hair.  Ouch. 

Surprisingly, Brandt was never in too much pain.  He complained the morning after surgery and decided to take some pain meds then.  I can't even imagine how painful it really would have been had he not had that nerve blocker.  We had crutches and he could get around with them but had to stay down for 2 weeks (plus the 1 week before he even had surgery).  Brandt is not one to sit still so it was pretty painful for him to not be able to do anything and to have to have me do everything for him.  At first I thought, "One more kid, no big deal."  But I was surprised.  I was wiped out.  So tired.  It was a change to our routine.  I actually liked having him around.  Didn't like the small paychecks, but guess you can't have everything, right?

After 2 weeks we went back and they took off his bandages and removed his stitches.  They put on some tape to keep the cut closed up and put him in a hard cast with the toe pointed down so that there was no pull on the Achilles. 


3/15/13

We got a knee-scooter and he was cleared to go to work part time.  He was only able to case up routes, not carry them. 


3/31/13
No good picture of cast.  I think my mom does but this is the best I had. 
And the beloved crutches.

He did that for 2 more weeks and then back for another check up. 


4/1/13

Originally we were told that we would get that cast off and then another hard case for 2 more weeks but we were pleasantly surprised that he got a boot at that time.  It was a boot with spacers in the heel.  After so many days we were to remove the spacers to bring him closer to flat-footed. 


4/15/13

We're at that stage right now and it's painful for him but I think it's getting easier and easier.  After working 10 hours or so a day his leg is sore but he's moving a bit easier now and has stopped using his scooter in the mornings.  He can only deliver driving only routes but at least he gets to work.  It's been an adventure and we're still in the thick of it.  He'll have a lot of rehab and his leg muscles have dwindled so he'll have lots of work trying to get it back to where it was.

Throughout this whole thing we've been trying to find the "reason" for this trial.  I think it's been nice to have him home a bit more and for him to spend some time with his kids.  It's been good for us to "tighten the belt" and live on less money in preparation for the overtime at his work that seems to be going away.  I don't know.  We're still looking for that "ah-ha" moment when it all makes perfect sense.  In the meantime, we're just taking it one day at a time.

Not always the best mom...

A few nights ago I had just gotten off the phone with Poison Control (not the first time, or even the second time I've made that call).  I got thinking, "I wonder if they give an award for the person who calls the most."  And then I realized, "Yep, they do....child protective services." Would not be surprised.

And I was flossing my boys's teeth the other night and as I was looking at Charlie's teeth I realized he had a couple cavities I could see.  CRAP.  Utter failure as a mother right there.  Especially one that is a bit of a tooth nazi.  I cried.  I told him that we'll have to go to the dentist and he just said, "ok" not knowing what it's going to entail.  Worst mother moment.  I feel horrible.


Dylan & Dad sledding Christmas Eve

I'm a mom

Couple randoms:

Dylan said he hated me yesterday for the first time.  Monumental.  Can't feel too bad since he felt that way because I was making him clean up his mess.

Oliver woke up 2x last night crying.  On the bright side, he cuddled up to me and fell asleep in my arms.  A rarity for my big boy.

Our relief society is collecting pictures of all the women in our relief society.  So I pulled up some pictures I had on my computer.  I pulled up my favorite, favorite pictures we had taken when the twins turned 1.  Comparing those pictures to the pictures we had taken when the twins turned 4 and my word I've gone to hell in a hand basket.  Wrinkles, bags under my eyes.  Awful.  Sad.  I'm getting gray hairs.  What is happening to me?!?  I know.  3 little boys.  That's what.

The boys were being naughty last night.  My patience was gone.  It'd been a long day and it was late in the evening.  Charlie had done something and exasperated I exclaimed, "Holy hell, Charlie!"  (I know, not really appropriate mothering language)  He turned around and said to me, "You're a Holy Hell, Mom!!"  I had to turn around to hide my laugh.  He tried it one more time and I had to straight-faced tell him he can't say that.  Oh man, nothing like being caught red-handed.

Infertility revisited

Around Christmas time I wrote down our fertility story for a friend.  I think it's probably my most indepth writing of it and I think I want to write it here so I have it for my history.

Brandt and I were married quite young in 2001.  Because we were young and I felt I needed to conquer the world we didn’t immediately want kids.  We worked and saved and played a little in between and decided after a couple years we’d try for a baby.  Month after month nothing happened.  I went to our doctor and she said it’s normal and shouldn’t worry until we’ve tried for pushing a year.  We found one medical issue where I have an enlarged pituitary gland and it caused me to release prolactin.  That is what is released when you have a baby to produce breast milk.  So – my body could have been thinking I was pregnant so I really couldn’t get pregnant.  We found this out within the first year so we got it regulated with medicine right away.  So when that year mark hit we went to a fertility doctor.  We were both tested and tested and there was no reason why we couldn’t get pregnant.  They called it “unknown infertility.”  Nice diagnosis.  So our options were to keep trying, IVF, or IUIs.  I just couldn’t stomach paying $10K or more for IVF with a “maybe we’ll get pregnant” so we opted for $300 a pop IUIs (the turkey baster, if you’re not familiar).  I lost count of how many times we had it done.  I was also on clomid occasionally.  I would take HCG to stimulate ovulation after checking by ultrasound that my egg(s) were ready.  We had it down to a precise science.  And still nothing.

Not all women understand how you feel when you go through this.  Wanting a baby – YOUR baby – so dang bad and not being able to conceive.  I hated all moms.  I couldn’t go to baby showers.  I couldn’t really be happy for family and friends who were pregnant, giving birth, or were just moms.  And church…torture.  We tried everything.  I drank teas to stimulate fertility.  I wore “fertility earrings” that had a stone to increase fertility.  I tried multiple massage modalities (I graduated from massage school so I’m a believer in alternative medicine, too).  Brandt and I would frequently have conversations about what we could be doing better.  Were we being punished for not being good enough to have a child?  We prayed together.  Read scriptures together.  Went to the temple together. 

Finally after about 3 years trying I got pregnant.  It was wonderful.  Such a relief to know that I could actually get pregnant.  But then approximately 10 weeks in, I miscarried.  We waited a month and started up again.  Maybe about another 6 months went by and we got pregnant again.  That one was even shorter lived.  I miscarried about 6 weeks.  I had a really rough time with that miscarriage.  Apparently unless you miscarry 3 times in a row it is not considered an issue but my doctor had me on high risk anyway since we’d been trying so long.  So time kept going and nothing happened so we sort of gave up. 

It’s funny how you sort of go through the same emotions that happen with death.  Denial, anger, etc.  I got to the point where I couldn’t care anymore (or so I told myself).  I sort of figured if I wanted a baby I’d have to look to adoption.  I’d investigated but wasn’t really sure if it was for us or not, but it was in the back of my mind.

In the summer of 2007 Brandt got hired on with the post office.  At the post office you have a 90 day probation and if you as much look at your supervisor the wrong way they can fire you.  Also, you’re hired on as a grunt and they can work you 64 hours/week and they did.  There was no way he could have any work off if he wanted it.  If we were to do any more IUI’s I would have to have my ovulation day fall on a Sunday so that Brandt could get to Sandy to give a sample.  So we just said we’d take a break or just be done with that avenue.  That December a bunch of things happened.  And to this day it is probably my most treasured time in my life.

One day in church I was sitting in the back of Relief Society and the lesson was on prayer.  I distinctly remember Amanda Chamberlain making a comment that when she is asking for confirmation of something she sometimes will tell Heavenly Father her plan and ask him to stop her if it is not the right direction for her to go.  That struck a chord with me.  I’d never thought of it that way.  My parents also left to serve a mission the first week of December and my mom had pulled me aside before she left and told me she was worried about me and would be praying for me on her mission.  I was having some treatment called Body Talk which is a type of bodywork that I swear has something to it.  It’s amazing.  And Brandt finally told me he was ok with adoption if I felt we should do it.  I filled out all the papers and had said my prayer.  I told Heavenly Father I was going to turn in the papers next week and try to get a baby that way.  I was really nervous because you had to turn in a non-refundable $1000 with the application. 

That coming Sunday I had gotten a new calling at church and I was to be set apart.  I went in to have my blessing and Brandt was there as well as the Relief Society presidency (as it was a calling under them).  Every time during the last 5 years I always carefully listened to any blessing I was given hoping to hear a “One day you’ll be a good mom,” “One day your children…” anything hinting to the fact that I would be blessed to be a mom.  This blessing was no different.  One of the bishopric counselors gave the blessing and it was nice and all but no lightening strikes as I had hoped!  I shook everyone’s hand and then the Bishop asked Brandt and I to stick around.

He shut the door and as he sat down he said he felt something during that blessing.  Something about children.  I lost it.  My Heavenly Father knew me.  He heard me pleading during that blessing.  Pleading for some reassurance.  Just a small mention about my babies that were waiting to come to me.  I needed something so badly and he heard.  Even now remembering that time I am brought to tears.  I have never, ever felt the love of my Heavenly Father so strongly.  So Brandt proceeded to tell our story and our issues we’d been having since I was unable to speak through my sobs.  The bishop then told us about one of his counselors he had when he was the bishop of a single adult ward.  This man had the same issue as us and so matter-of-factly stated to us that he thought this all could be fixed by some serious fasting and prayer.  He offered to have the bishopric do a special fast for us.  We agreed and rather than do a random day we just planned to just do it the first week of January.  He told me that to close the fast he’d like to give both Brandt and I special blessings that day as well.  With my parents in Nauvoo, we called them and let them know of the fast and told Brandt’s parents, too.  We figured we could use as much support for this as we could drum up.  Because of this, I took it as an answer to my prayers to not turn in the adoption papers quite yet. 

The next Sunday was December 23rd.  As it so happened that weekend it all lined up and I happened to be ovulating and we were able to go in and try another IUI that Sunday morning before church.  Fast Sunday was January 6th and we had our special fast.  After sacrament meeting we met with the Bishop and he had told us that after we left that first Sunday we had met with him he had asked both his counselors if they felt anything during my blessing and they both said, “yes, something about kids.”  That prompting was so powerful that all 3 of those men heard my plea.  So the Bishop gave us both a blessing.  I don’t remember Brandt’s specifically and to be honest I don’t remember too much of mine, either (guess I should have written more down) but one word was repeated over and over.  Faith.  After we left and Brandt and I talked about it we said, “Well, I guess we need to have faith.”  It was our little thing that when we’d talk or randomly we’d always ask each other “Do you have faith?” so that we’d remind ourselves that we needed that faith. 

Two weeks after an IUI you can take a pregnancy test.  I think I waited a few extra days to be sure.  I did the test and it was positive.  Because of my past 2 miscarriages my doctor told me that we could do some early testing to check numbers to make sure everything was looking right.  I did the tests and the numbers were accelerating so quickly that it was an indication we had more than one baby so we scheduled an ultrasound.  When that was done it was confirmed that we had twins coming.  Oddly enough it was no surprise to us.  Brandt and I have said since day one that we both separately felt we would have twins so when that was confirmed we were just grateful.
 

I know it was no accident.  We had done EVERYTHING we could think of to have our children.  It was faith.  It was obedience.  It was fasting, prayer, and a little missionary service mixed in.  I have never had a more profound experience and I don't know that I ever will have another one quite like this.  But I really don't need another one because I know my Heavenly Father knows me individually.  There is no way I could deny it.  He knows my heart.  I have heard that in lessons all my life and until that moment when he heard me through that blessing I don't know that I really understood.  I am grateful that I do know that for myself.