A storm's a-brewin....

I am a big ol' mix of emotions this morning.  The last few days I feel a little like "nesting."  You see, I have applied for a job that I'm fairly confident that I can obtain.  I haven't, however, been offered the job yet, but I can see it on the horizon.  For many years we've talked about me going back to work.  I did plan on waiting until all my littles were in 1st grade, or even just kindergarten for that matter.  We've jumped the gun slightly.  My hope was to get a job I could do from home.  I may have potential for that to occur, but don't think it will be that way in the beginning.  So I've been fighting the internal battle that is going on with giving my baby to be cared for by someone other than myself.  And it is killing me.  I know it is right and it is what needs to be done and honestly, I've wanted this, but man oh man....tough.  This morning I got the 3 older boys off to school and came back and let Porter devour a donut.  I went out and vacuumed my car while he ate and when I came back in I took him straight to the bath.  After I lotioned him up so he smelled all yummy, we were on the couch looking out front.  I had my head resting on the back of the couch and Porter came over and put his arm around me and rested his cheek against mine while he watched the world outside our window.  I lost it.  My sweet, sweet baby.  Is this what I'm going to be missing?  These quiet moments of just him and me?  We left the boys with Granna this weekend and Brandt and I went camping.  Porter was PISSED at me for leaving him.  So much so that when we came back he went first to Brandt and he's is a momma's boy.  I cannot even seem to grasp how hard this is going to be to drop him off.  I've heard many mom's talk about how they have just bawled after leaving their baby and I have been soooooo incredibly blessed that I have never had to do that.  A miracle really.  I just have those doubts that I am short-changing him or something that I didn't have to do that with his brothers.  I don't know.  A momma's insecurity maybe?  Regardless, I feel the waves crashing in and it is scary and exciting all in the same emotion.  I can do this.  I can do hard things.

Just another update

Holy Moly it is almost time to go back to school.  I'm sorta freaking out!  Today I spent a lot of time trying to get back into Blogger.  I couldn't remember my password and I couldn't figure out how to get back in. The email that is linked to my account is my old work email from 7 years ago and I don't have access to it anymore, surprise, surprise.  I finally got it situated and put more info on my account so it shouldn't happen again.  I am trying to get my feet under me still but I feel a little more traction.  The boys and I went to St. George for a week and then picked up Brandt and went to Bear Lake for almost a week.  Now I'm trying to just get my house back in order so I can function again.  Bad new is that I read while on vacay and now I just want to read, read, read.  That's why I haven't picked up a book in ages.  It's terrible!  Tomorrow I will try to actually document the two trips for memory's sake and include some photos.

Boys are crazy.  Dylan is losing teeth finally.  2 down, one more on it's way.  Charlie still hasn't lost any.  Porter is starting to walk.  He'll get a few steps down and then freak out and fall on his bum.  I just can't believe how big he is.  So heartbreaking but so exciting, too.  Oliver is pumped for kindergarten.  He is convinced Mrs. Lemmon is going to be his teacher but we don't find out until Friday.  He will be so sad if he is put in the other teacher's class.  Either way, it'll be good.  The three older boys have been playing a lot together.  Lots of legos and imagination play.  And lots of mess.  I just sent them to bed and they're all panicked cause there room is so messy and dad won't go in and give them a kiss if it's messy (he's off painting the Pease's house).  I'm so sick of harping on them and ending up cleaning their room myself so I've just stepped back.  They'll probably have to be stuck in their room to clean it tomorrow.  I have no room to talk.  My room was a disaster growing up and my craft room is awful, now.  On the to-do list.  Anyway, no news is good news I suppose.  I've had some things I've wanted record, but now I can't remember.  Imagine that.  Ha!  I'm getting senile in my old age....

What's new?

I think it's been about forever since I've updated. Many times I think about posting but when I have 2 spare seconds I feel guilty if it is spent here. Which is silly cause this is important. Way more important than scrolling Facebook but I guess it's easier. Another thing that deters me is that I'd rather type on a computer and I can't do that right now. I think it was like literally the day after my last post that we had another huge lightening storm. I had just gotten back home with the family and I was in the front room when the room lit up and there was a crack of thunder simultaneously. And the power was gone. I swear it hit right outside our house. My poor laptop was sadly charging and I wasnt using a surge protector. It died. And then a week later when my mom came home from her trip I borrowed her old computer. And I've killed that one, too! The wireless driver disappeared and the port to hook the Internet up the old fashioned way doesn't work. So here I sit (during the precious nap time) trying to type on the iPad. Sigh.

So I'm still crazy and over scheduled. I keep saying I don't want to be this way but I have a disease!! I can't stop! We were begged by Dylan's baseball coach to let him play on the All-Star team. I didn't necessarily mind the time commitment at the time, more so the cost, but all the begging broke us and we signed him up. We've been practicing about every other day and their first tournament is this weekend. 4 guaranteed games between Thursday night and Monday and more depending on how they do. I'm just not this die hard. My boy is 6!! What have I drifted into? D loves it tho and he's getting really good. I started tennis lessons for Dylan and Charlie this week. We have that ever morning for the next two weeks. In my defense I signed them up before we agreed to this baseball nonsense. The twins have REALLY been looking forward to it. D said it was fun and Charlie complained. What's new?  Oliver is playing playing playing. He loves to try and keep up with "bruders" and is good to play with Porty. Porter has been sick the last few days. He woke up crying this morning at 5am. Whaaaa??????  Not ok. I now feel like I need a nap now! He has 6 teeth and lots of personality. He loves me most which is so cute but sometimes it'd be nice to have a break. Brandt has been inundated with lots of requests for work. We've blown off a bunch and some are just falling by the wayside. Which is as pretty much ok since he's melting in the heat for 10 hours, 6 days a week for the post office and going out to the garage is the last thing he wants to do when he gets home. And his kids miss him.

But that's just a snippet of our crazy. I'm trying really hard to get in a routine and feel at peace but I'm struggling to get there. I really want to make this summer fun for my boys but it's exhausting. I wish I could be superwoman always. Eh, maybe one day. Today is not that day and I'd put my money on it that tomorrow isn't it either!! Haha!

Greener grass??

Remember last post?  Lovey dovey, gratitude for chance to be a mom.  Yeah.  Singing a new tune today.  Oh my word.  Started off being woken up by Charlie with a present I had bought for Oliver on sale awhile back.  He was snooping in my craft room and found it.  So that set the mood for my day.  I then made them a hot breakfast - which I rarely do.  Only Dylan would eat.  When I went into my craft room I noticed that my candy jar that I pull from for treats for their lunches was pretty empty.  I asked them if they've been eating candy and they (C & O) said yes.  So, I screamed at them for going in my room and told them I was throwing away ALL candy in our house.  I finished up lunches and took everyone to school.  Came home, put Porter down for a quick 1/2 hour nap, then had to wake him up to head back to O's preschool for fieldtrip day.  I walked with him to the park and they had lunch, played games, and played at the park.  It was fun to see Oliver and his little buddies.  He loves Luke, Makio, and Rowe.  They're his crew.  Then we walked back to our car and came home.  Then I scrambled around, vented to my dear friend, and then kids came home from school.  Helped a little with homework but then I had to teach a piano lesson.  Then I had to get the kids ready for a baseball game and find food for Porter.  The storm was rolling in but the game hadn't been called.  We got there, practiced a bit, started the game, and then there was lightening.  Game called.  So glad I was there for 15 minutes of play.  The rain came.  It dumped.  The sky was lit up.  It was crazy.  We came home and had a quick FHE, ate dinner, and put the kids to bed.  I am pooped.  What an emotional day.  I just am angry.  I don't know if it is hormonal or if it is a crazy mother of 4 thing.  Moments are good and sweet but lately I have been tried, especially by my Charlie.  He is a strong minded, always thinks he's right child.  Love him dearly but man he is hard to raise.  I definitely need patience with that one.  But, tomorrow is another day.  At the beginning of the year I wanted every single day to be great this year.  It was a fail today but I will try again in the morning.

I am a mom

Today I was vacuuming my living room. The 3 older boys were taking a nap and it was just Porter and me. As I was going around the couch Porter was pulling up on my legs and crawling right behind me, feeling his little fingers on me. In my mind I thought, "I am a mom." Nothing better. No greater honor.

Sick, sick, and more sick

I've been meaning to post this for probably a month now.  Ridiculous how nutso I am.  I have been slightly overwhelmed with....LIFE.  How crazy it is.  And honestly, I try really, really, really hard to keep my crapola together and limit our crazy but no matter how hard I try it sneaks up and bites me on the butt.  But alas, my problems are really small potatoes compared to lots of people so I really need to just shut my yapper.  But back to the topic at hand, sickness.  I believe that we have tried out every single bug, virus, and ailment to go around this year.  We had a long stretch of all my children and occasionally myself and Brandt having something awful.  For example...I remember like it was yesterday...

We signed the twins up for baseball.  Wood Cross High School was doing a clinic for the kids.  I was hesitant to sign the boys up cause 1. it's money and I'm cheap and 2. I have two kids and didn't want to double the fee since, again, I'm cheap.  My good friend is the all-knowing when it comes to baseball and asked her if it was worth it and she said yes and got me her "friend" discount so I did it and signed up.  It was a Saturday, Monday, and Tuesday thing.  The boys were pumped and I got them all ready and we went over.  Once it started the boys went and huddled up to listen to the coach and get instruction and then they were divided up by age.  Their group was told to stand in a line behind one of the high school players.  Dylan picked a line and Charlie picked another.  Charlie happened to pick a long line so one of the coaches told him and a couple other kids to go to another line that wasn't so long.  Charlie turned around and started walking toward me, past a coach who stopped to ask him what was wrong.  He got to me and told me he didn't feel so good.  I was thinking he was just nervous.  I squatted down as I had Porter in his carseat hanging off my arm, to try to and convince him to be brave and go play.  As I lowered myself down, Charlie puked.  All over me, all over Porter, all over the ground.  All the parents around me I'm sure were like, "take your sick kid outta here!" So, I walked away from the group, took C's shirt off to wipe up Porter a little bit, and let him finish puking.  I went and told D I had to leave and that I'd be back to get him.  A cute pregnant mom came over to me and asked me if I needed help.  It was a great reminder to help others.  So sweet of her.  I just said we were going to leave but thank you.  So I ran home and gave everyone showers and put them to bed.  I had Brandt pick up D from the ballpark.  I was still trying to convince myself that Charlie was just nervous and puked because of it.  Sunday was fine, stayed home with Charlie, and that night put the kiddies to bed.  When Oliver woke up he had puked during the night in his bed and didn't even know it.  So, I had to clean him up, got the other kids to school (charlie was feeling better), and went on with my day.  Then, about 2ish maybe, I was rocking Porter and all of a sudden, he puked all over me, my rocker, the floor.  It was awful.  Then, I had to bathe him, clean up the mess, and then it was time for the twins to come home from school.  I opened the door for them and Dylan was standing there and said, "mom, something is wrong with my eye."  Full on pink eye.  I seriously started laughing.  Are. You. Kidding. Me.  When it rains it pours I suppose. So then we were treating pink eye.  Kept Dylan home Tuesday.  Oliver was feeling better and had a fieldtrip Wednesday so I took him to school.  They went to the Treehouse Museum and apparently while there he puked. Fan-freaking-tastic.  I felt horrible that I sent him.  Ugh.  Then Charlie got pink eye.  Few days later Oliver got pink eye.  And a few days after that Porter got pink eye.  I think we're sorta feeling better these days.  Porter has been continually sick for a few months but he's getting teeth and I'm chalking it up to that.

But like I said, my problems are minimal compared to what it could be so I'll shampoo my puke-carpet and count my blessings.  I'm feeling guilty so I should be updating again more frequently.  I realized I hardly filled out Oliver's baby book but luckily I blogged a bit when I had him.  I need to be better cause time is flying.

Being a parent is hard...

Man it has been a rough little bit being a mom.  My oldest are 6 1/2 years old.  I never really thought that at 6 years old my kids would be so naughty.  When I sit here and think about things I don't know if they are truly naughty, or if my expectation of them is super high.  I feel like all I do is nag on them.  I'll step away occasionally (ok, give up) and let them "do it on their own," but always end up upset that they are making poor choices or not doing things the correct way.  For instance: after church yesterday it was just me and all 4 boys as Brandt had ward counsel and home teaching 4 families.  I came home, made boys lunch, cleaned up breakfast & lunch, cleaned up church stuff (ie bags, papers, etc).  The boys were arguing, pestering me, begging for more treats, and on and on.  Finally I hit my breaking point.  I came back with, "You know everything, I'm done worrying about you.  Do whatever you want.  Eat whatever you want.  Sleep whenever you want."  I then proceeded to finish cleaning up and took Porter downstairs to put him down for a nap.  Then I thought I'd take a nap, too.  I layed in my bed listening to chairs being pulled around the kitchen to reach tall shelves, wrappers being undone, chit-chatting.  Dylan came down a little later and layed in my bed, too, cause he said the boys were too loud for him to take a nap.  He is usually my best behaved child.  As I was lying there I became more and more upset.  I had to shut down my brain cause I was just getting all worked up about it.  I slept until about 4 then got up with Porter and started to make dinner.  A little before 5 Oliver decided that he should take a nap so that he could do surprises with dad.  I tried to explain that it was too late to nap.  He went into Charlie and Dylan's room and just went to sleep regardless.  When I asked C if he wanted dinner or if he was good he replied, "I'm good."  You should have seen the garbage can when I had finally gone upstairs. Full of crap.  No wonder he didn't want any dinner.  And to boot, I got mad at him and said you have to eat more than just garbage.  He lied to me and said he ate a banana, an apple, some cheese, an orange....as he was trailing off.  No residual from those items in the garbage so I know he was lying.  I didn't even go into that with him cause i was so mad.  AND I had told him to do whatever.  Then today he told me he got in trouble at school.  I won't go into that but he is currently in his room reading while his brothers and father went to the hockey game.  I also made him write an apology letter to his teacher.  He is terribly upset but I don't know what else to do to wrangle this boy.  He is SO strong willed.  He wants to know everything and thinks he does.  Deep down he wants to do good.  Maybe that's it.  Maybe he needs reward for his behavior, some sort of acknowledgement.  I can't figure it out.  I've known most of his life that he would be a tough one.  One that I would have to channel his energies into productive and positive activities.  But it's hard.  Guess he is one that I will just have to be on my knees a little bit more about.  I am grateful for that.  That I know that I can be guided in the right direction if I ask for help.  I'm grateful for supportive friends and family that when I call crying they say I'm doing the right thing and that I'm a good mom.  At least I have that.  In the meantime, though, I will be known as the meanest mom.  And that it's not fair...heard that about 400 times tonight.